I am learning that part of living life truly awake means being awake to everything. Not just the good, gloriously happy moments but the moments that cause us pain, that take us back, that make us question everything we’ve ever done, everything we’re doing.
To be awake means that we are also aware of our own humanity, our mortality, our daily struggles and battles.
Yes, we know how to deal with those horrible feelings and thoughts that seep in out of nowhere but it doesn’t mean we are immune to them.
We can experience pain and while we let that go, we carry scars. We have fears and while we learn not to be dominated by them, they still exist.. and are very real.
I think I thought that being in constant communication with God would mean that when I wake up, my head and heart would always be in a happy place, that I would have no need to worry or to be sad or frightened. But that’s not the case… yes I have those worries and fears and troublesome thoughts. Yes, I can be sad and face challenges and have really rotten days and nearly want to give up but those bad moments, those weak moments, those are what draw me closer to God. Those things bring me nearer and cause me to run in and hide in the shadow/shelter of His wings.
To feel things is not wrong. It doesn’t mean I lack faith and it doesn’t mean that I am far away from God if I am struggling. It means He’s working on me, in me, through me.
And it means that I am continually reminded that this is not forever.. One day I will be in a better place where I won’t experience these horrible feelings and that will be a good day. But until then, I need to accept the fact that sometimes life isn’t fun. Some days are just bad days. My struggles don’t define me but hopefully they sharpen me and change me and bring me closer to Him.
And so I fully embrace Paul’s idea in Philippians 3:14: “I press on…”