Maybe this is what being an adult is like. Maybe for the first time in my life I’m actually worn right out. I’m not sure what’s going on but I’ve been feeling the wear and tear of real adult living. Granted, I’m doing this without children and/or a husband so really– my time is my time. I’m really not writing this to complain or get your sympathy. The point is to record how I’m feeling about my life at this moment. And yes, I know that this whole thing could be labeled as one big FIRST WORLD PROBLEM and it might be best for me to just shut up and go away. But this is my blog and blogs are not for shutting up and so— you know how it goes.
I wanted to live 2013 purposely. I wanted to be deliberate in my actions and how I spent my time. I think overall, I’ve had a good year in that regard and there have been some highly memorable moments but the day to day- the mundane way that a week goes by has me wondering what I’m doing wrong. And fearing that perhaps this is it…
Take my typical day– I wake up at the crack of dawn, actually before dawn has cracked.. 4:44… fumble around until my running clothes are on and then stumble out the door. I log a few miles and then back home to shower etc. I get ready for work, have my time with God, caffeinate and head out the door. The next 8-10 hours are given to teaching and all the etcetera that goes along with the job. I leave work.. and that’s when the trouble begins.
You see– far too often I pick up something to eat on the way home, change into my yoga pants and hoodie and happily veg right out. I am too tired to read Russian novels, I justify to myself. I am too tired to socialize, I justify to my inner hermit. I’m too tired to organize my apartment, I whine. I’m too tired to actually contribute something positive to someone or something outside my existence, I say as I turn on a film. And then I tell myself to shut up because the movie is about to start.
And that’s the pattern. At the end of the day I have zero energy left for people let alone creativity. I want to be one of those women who sit in coffee shops, sipping a latte and writing down my thoughts in a journal, typing out another chapter of a novel or delving into some worn copy of The Mill on the Floss while blocking out the world around her. I’ve actually attempted this sort of
pretentiousness productivity, bought myself the latte and then immediately had a change of heart and scurried home to try and be able to drink it in my pyjamas before it got cold.
Maybe it’s foolhardy to assume that I’ll be able to write the Great Canadian Novel after a full day of teaching but I’d like to be able to pursue some sort of hobby. I’d like to be able to do something outside my routine of work and home.
I know that they say that the key to happiness is being able to find and maintain some sense of balance in life. I’d just like to know what that actually looks like. OK that sounds dramatic. Perhaps I just need to be desperate enough for balance, that I’ll prioritize it and make it happen.
As an aside, my workload has lightened up a teeny bit so maybe in the new year, I can attempt to be someone who does a little more than teach and recover from teaching. A girl can dream!
So yes, that’s what I’ve been thinking about these days and something I will challenge myself to change in 2014. But for now, my FIRST WORLD PROBLEM and I will leave you in peace.