Home.

“You can never go home again”

They say that once you have left a place, you can never return. Once you’ve left home, nothing will be the same… that includes you. Social media is littered with posts about the things you learn living abroad, why you’ve changed once you’ve been overseas, how your life is so different, your perspectives so altered, how you will NEVER fit back into your pre-experience life. I am guilty of posting such articles too and I have found comfort in knowing that I’m not alone on this expat adventure. It’s fun to be part of a semi-if-not-entirely-self-proclaimed special group of people but… I’m tired now.

Because in all of my travels, all of my overseas experiences, all of my attempts to make and create a “sense” of home miles and oceans away from my original one, I have come to see that for me, my first home is where I want to be.

I have been blessed to meet people who were my temporary “family”. I have lived in nice places that I have called “home”. I have worked on blending into a new country that I can call my “land” but… I miss the original.

Because you see– through all my travels I think I’ve realized the other cliche truth that you can go around the world and realize that the thing you want most was there all along.

Because I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Being a foreigner is fun and exciting and makes you automatically quite interesting. You can get away with things by playing the “Dumb foreigner card” and you can get extra perks because “you’re new here”. But I’m tired of standing out, I’m tired of not being entirely sure what is going on around me and I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong. I’m looking forward to being in a place where I do belong and am accepted.

Because I want to be close to MY people. There is something thrilling about meeting people and realizing that they only know the you that you have been since you moved to that country. You can reinvent yourself, you can change as much about yourself as you want, you can choose to leave out huge chunks of your life when you’re telling stories BUT there is something so wonderful to be around people who have always known you. People who know your family and where you came from. People who “get” you and love you no matter what. People who remember your mid-nineties obsession with all things denim and still talk to you. I have been fortunate enough to find myself in some wonderful communities and I have made some incredible friends but it’s time to go back to my roots because I really miss the people who really know me.

Because I want to be part of “every day” life with my family. I am really close with my family and I have enjoyed our intense bursts of time together during the summers and Christmas time but I want to be able to spend random Thursday nights with them or Sunday lunches. I want to be able to just go for coffee with my sister or walks with my parents during crazy times like… October or April. I’m tired of missing out on the every day stuff. I think I’m kind of homesick for the mundane.

I feel truly blessed for the last 10 years, for the amazing relationships/friendships I’ve had, for the experiences I’ve been part of, for the things I’ve seen and the places I’ve been. I am quite aware that most of the memories I take with me will be rose-coloured and I know that once I’m settled into life back home, I’ll miss these places like crazy. But I also have an ache for all things Canada and for now, that’s where I want to be.

I know I have changed a lot during the past 10 years. I know that people and circumstances at home have changed too. That’s life. I know that things will not be exactly the same as when I lived there 10 years ago but that’s okay.. and actually for the better. I’m excited to “start over again” in a familiar place.

So maybe it’s true that you can never go home again– but I’m going to try.

“Just the Highlights Please” – The January Edition – slightly belated.

Hello! Nice to see you again! I seem to have disappeared for a bit. I haven’t done one of these for a while and I feel like it’s a good way to keep track of things going on in my life.

PROUD OF – Surviving January. It was a tricky month. January has always been a problem month for me and this one was no exception. However, I managed to make it back to Tokyo, take care of a sick friend, survive exams and report writing, and still shower every day!

LETTING GO OF – Insecurities. Yeah right. But honestly, I can choose what I want to focus on and accept about myself or what I need to lay to rest. I’m trying not to be dominated by my insecurities and not let them keep me from participating in life. I’m learning to focus on the good things and then either deal with or ignore the nagging ones that don’t make me feel so great.

GRATEFUL FOR – The tight community I’m part of here. It sometimes drives me crazy but I’m surrounded by some very good and kind people. While going through a certain crisis at work, with my sick friend, the amount of love and support we were both shown was overwhelming. It is such a good feeling to know that there are people who will drop everything and help you if they know you need something. Kindness really does make me cry.

OBSESSED WITH – Macadamia Natural Oil Hair Mask. My sister gave me a couple packets for Christmas and I love this stuff! Smells amazing and makes my hair feel all kinds of wonderful. It’s a teensy bit pricey but sometimes you gotta pay for good things! Definitely worth it.

EXCITED ABOUT – February break. We have a 4 day weekend coming up and for some reason I didn’t feel like going on the ski adventure trip. I’m really looking forward to having 4 days to take care of some things, wander around Tokyo, meet up with friends for lunch in the daytime, write, read… It’l be great!

COMMITTING TO – Fitness. Yawn. I know I always say that. January was rough and I find that it takes me a while to get those New Years Resolutions going but I’m running out of excuses. Plus bathing suit and tank top season isn’t too far away! And so– committing to running at least 3 times a week and going to the gym at least 2. I can do this!

Alright well thanks for reading these ramblings. I have a few other more important things to share so please do stay tuned.

Hope your February is off to a good start!

A Note to the Single Ladies

December 2014

Dear Fellow Single Sisters,

It’s the most wonderful time of the year…! While we are heading into a time of picture perfect moments, coziness galore, good lighting (who doesn’t look good by the light of a fireplace or Christmas candles?), Christmas sweaters, warm socks, hot cider, and every other “Christmassy” moment, it’s hard not to get totally swept up in all of the hoopla. Yes, I just used the word hoopla.

This isn’t about the materialism that occurs at Christmas, but it’s about what happens when a single girl starts to notice that there aren’t any special presents under her tree.
Wait! I’m not going to moan, I’m just explaining. The fact is, I get totally swept up in the romanticism of the holiday. I’m sure you do too. I love the Christmas chick flick movies and the ideas of cuddling by the fire or walking in the snow with a well-built, chiseled-featured, strong man who looks wonderful in cream-coloured, cable-knit sweaters, red scarves and jeans. A man who can have meaningful conversations but also knows exactly the perfect moment to crack a joke, a perfect combination of mature yet playful. A man whose very presence is a gift but who also knows how to give the most thoughtful and meaningful presents all while still being able to chop firewood, shovel the driveway, and bring me a mug of hot chocolate. But I digress… a lot.
So what do we do about the fact that he hasn’t shown up? How do we deal with watching people celebrate the holidays who do have good men and maybe a few cute little munchkins? It can really get a girl down. One thing we know is that no one wants to hang out with Debbie Downer during the holidays, so what do we do?
Well.. to be blunt, I think part of the “whoa is me I’m alone for the holidays” comes from a rather selfish place. It happens when our eyes are on ourselves and what we need to be happy. We obsessively start focusing on all of the things we want, instead of all of theĀ things we do have. This is not the key to any sort of happiness. It’s hard not to be selfish when you’re single. We spend a lot of time tending to our needs and emotions and it’s okay to be aware of our wants and needs, but also I think that in order to be happy, we need to get our eyes off ourselves and onto others. Focusing too much on ourselves, especially this time of year, can be dangerous.
I think the only way to really combat these feelings of loneliness or sadness over the holidays is to simply be thankful. Get out that “attitude of gratitude”.. sorry I said that but I’ve been thinking about it and really, that’s the only way. Because the thing is, I do have some pretty amazing things in my life and my life is filled with all sorts of love… maybe not of the axe-swinging, cable-knit sweater wearing variety but still– there is a lot of love in my life. Start looking at your own life and I’m sure you’ll see some pretty amazing things to be thankful for. Wishing for something or someone we don’t have, isn’t the key to having a happy time this holiday, being thankful for what we do have automatically guarantees a certain level of happiness.
And so while we go about the very important business of practicing gratitude during the holiday season, we must not let ourselves get sidetracked or derailed. I think the biggest culprit is social media and I think it’s particularly dangerous during this time of year. Being constantly bombarded by filtered photos of Christmas trees, lovers, children dressed up like elves, big parties, presents, family, etc… it’s very hard to maintain a feeling of contentment. It’s very easy to feel like you are the only one in the world who is single for the holidays. It’s very easy to feel lonely. And so– I know that we need to really limit the amount of time we spend checking these sites. Maybe you don’t have issues with social media but I certainly do. Yes, I’m an instagram addict, and sometimes it’s okay but when I feel myself getting jealous or resentful, it’s time to put the phone down and focus on what I do have in front of me.
It’s not only about being happy about what I have in front of me but being happy for those who do seem to be having a picture perfect Christmas. When I was little and would go to friend’s birthday parties, I would come home feeling jealous about how Jenna was so lucky cause she got a Barbie camper van AND the My Little Pony Castle. My parent’s taught me to say: “Oh wow, I’m so happy for you.” I think we need to bring that phrase back out again. No matter how we are feeling, we should be happy that our friends (and all of those complete strangers on instagram), have the great things in their lives that they do. I’m so happy for them! Say it a few times and you’ll eventually start to believe it.
If that doesn’t work.. the whole: ‘it could be worse’ game works. I don’t suggest you play this out loud as people will worry about you. But seriously, life could be a lot worse. You could be stuck in a bad marriage, you could be terminally ill, you could be homeless, you could be locked up in prison for a crime you didn’t commit, you could be stuck in an airport, you could be stranded on a desert island, you could have a flesh eating disease.. you get the idea? Not having a boyfriend at Christmas is hardly the worst thing in the world.
And then– really. Who are we to mope and complain anyway? If we believe what we say we really believe then we believe that God is working out His perfect plan. Maybe that includes us meeting someone amazing, maybe it doesn’t and if it doesn’t, we can trust that His plan is still the best one. (I am still working on happily believing this.. it’s a process) I do know that we can relax and be content in this particular set of circumstances because they aren’t for no reason. Whoa double negative. Reword: This set of circumstances is important to your story and who you are now. We must believe that these experiences are also important in making and shaping us into the people we are meant to be.
So this Christmas, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, let’s practice being thankful and grateful and loving the people God has placed in our lives…
Simple.
Do enjoy this holiday season.
With lots of love from me to you!

That time I had a birthday…

I’m older now. I just had a birthday that pushed me from the early thirties to the mid thirties category. A little bit alarming. When I play the rather dangerous game of remembering myself at 24 and thinking about what I thought life would be like at 34 and then actually looking at my life at 34.. well things are not how I thought they would be.

So yes, if I was being 100% honest, it is sad to be single, without kids, living far away from family. It is strange to think that certain things I was counting on happening, may not happen and it’s a lot of work to be okay with that.

But.. and there is ALWAYS a but… this weekend I was reminded that even though God hasn’t filled my life with certain people, He has definitely filled my life with the right people. I had a lovely birthday dinner on the weekend. I kept things small so that I could actually talk with my friends and enjoy their company. We went to a Smokehouse restaurant because apparently I’m into smoked meat these days, and had some drinks and ate some great food, laughed a lot and left the night feeling happy and satisfied. I was made aware that even though I’m far from my family, I have some great friends who do act as family and support me and care for me. That’s pretty nice.

On my actual birthday, a group of former students breezed into town and took me for dinner. They had made the arrangement months ago and it was so fun to have it actually happen. There was a group of 10, all guys who I had taught for 1-3 years back when I lived in Indonesia. I was their age when I first met them and now, 10 years later, they are all grown up, with jobs and girlfriends and real lives going on. It was such a fun evening catching up and telling stories. It was fun because we were all equally excited to be spending time together and I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in a long time. They told me stories about things they remembered I had told them way back when and we reminisced and I remembered how important they were to me back when I was a brand new teacher in a new country trying to learn the ropes. They were a really special group of students, kind, caring, bright, talented, funny. They were my first class and the first group of kids I loved and it was a good reminder that sometimes students are actually listening to my words, and while I don’t have kids of my own, God has given me lots of kids or little brothers and sisters to fill that void.. sort of.

And then there was all the love I received from back home. Messages and emails from my family, who while they are far away, are still able to be a regular part of my life thanks to the wonders of social media and the interwebs. I am very fortunate to have parents and siblings who I’m crazy about and who I know are there for me and love me. I am also extremely blessed to have a strong group of friends, amazing people who are all so different but so important to me. I might be on my own but I’m definitely not alone.

And true– I am single and quite honestly speaking, at this moment the dating situation is bleak but I’m trying not to fret myself. The fact is, this birthday has reminded me that God is taking care of me, that He is filling my life with the people I need and that I am not going to worry about the things that are so easy for a single woman to worry about. Instead I’m going to focus on how He has blessed me and continues to bless me, while holding firmly onto His promises as I head into another year.

Thoughts From Singapore

Singapore is a place where I do my thinking. It’s a place that’s different enough from my current every day, where I can think about my everyday and figure out what needs tweaking, or fixing, or what is totally fine just the way it is. It’s a place that’s similar enough to my past everyday that I am reminded of who I was 10 years ago, living along the equator for the first time and wondering what was to happen next. It’s a place that is completely different from where I see myself maybe next year or the year after that.. and so I can appreciate the now, the this, and be rather in the moment, able to enjoy this moment, this place in time, knowing that it may not happen again and being okay with it.

Yes, it’s good to get away. It’s good to reflect. It’s good to have a change of scenery, in routine. It’s good to stop and think about what I’m doing now and is this what I really want to be doing next year? In 5? In 10? It’s good to sit and wonder if there is more to this? If I’m doing all I can and being all I can be? I’m pretty sure I have not reached the prime in my career, in my life, so what do I need to do to make sure I reach that and when I realize that I am in fact in my prime, I’m happy with where I am?

And then the more sobering thought– what if this IS my prime? Then what needs to be changed or rearranged to make it .. well the perfect prime? It sounds like I’m writing about numbers…

So far into my Singapore trip I’ve realized that yes, in some areas I am well on my way to being “proud to live the life I’m living” but in other areas, I need change. In some aspects I’m encouraged with the progress I’ve made and am making, and in other aspects, I need to stop putting things off and start doing them.

Mostly, I’m just happy to have the time to get away and think….

In which I ramble for quite a while about nothing too significant…

And it’s already mid November! Life has been super busy and continues to be so but I’m in the groove and just accepting that “this is what I do” or maybe this is just what real life is like. I used to give my parents a hard time for falling asleep during Friday night movies but now– I can barely make it through a 40 minute tv show! Yep, wild times around here!

So what do you do when you are stressed and just want to zone out? One of my favourite things to do is to go to Loft. It’s a gigantic store with floors and floors of things that I definitely don’t need but want. My favourite place is the ground floor where they have all the stationary. Pens, markers, stickers, notebooks, journals, notepaper… I went recently and so I’m all stocked up on the stationary front, in case you were wondering.

I’m heading to Singapore with some students on Monday morning. It will be really nice to be in a hot climate again and I am looking forward to the change of scenery. This is my fourth time leading this trip so I pretty much know what to expect. Long days and longer (but fun) nights. We’re taking more students this year so it may involve a little more micro managing than last year but it’s all good.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about my job these days. I really have taken on too many things and am starting to feel like I’m not doing anything all that well. Sure, the things get done to an acceptable standard but I don’t feel like I’m doing anything with excellence. So I need to shift some things around and figure out what my main priorities are. I don’t want to be a person who can do a lot of things “okay”, I want to do a few things brilliantly.

Did I tell you I joined a gym? I did. Again. Sheesh! But this one is cheap for Japan, has a few cardio machines and lots of weights and is open 24 hours. In an ideal world I go running 3-4 mornings a week and hit the gym the other days. I am still working on this. I have been enjoying the whole weight lifting thing and they tell me that it’s really good for me so I’ll keep at it.

Lastly, I’m really trying to sleep better and cut back on my screen time so I invested in a real alarm clock. I’m trying not to take my phone to bed with me but sometimes it just sneaks into my bedroom. I am shocked by my dependence on that silly thing and probably need to do a social media fast again.

This Past Week

Just got back from three days in Gunma with 27 high school girls and 3 other teachers. I can honestly say that it was the best field trip I’ve ever been on. Everything just worked and fun and adventure was had by all. We had 4 activities: white water rafting, canyoning, kayaking, and mountain biking. Lots of fun and scary moments. I absolutely fell in love with canyoning. It’s basically like whitewater rafting.. without the raft. You put on a wetsuit and a helmut and trek through rivers and streams and jump off waterfalls and into caves. It’s crazy! I had a really cute group of girls and we all worked together and supported each other. It was a total blast.

It was also great being in major nature. Tokyo doesn’t exactly provide that and so I think the fresh air, the fall colours, the gorgeous views, did us all some good.

It was also great to see my students out of the classroom setting. It’s fun to have them encouraging me to jump off a cliff and it’s fun to talk them through kayaking or biking.

The past three days were amazing for me on lots of levels. It was good to stretch and challenge myself to do scary things. It was fun to be totally active all day long and out in nature. It was good to see my students in a new light and it was a good reminder that yes, I really do have a great job!